Lock the doors, hide the children, polish your flamethrower. I’ve posted twice in a week. Clearly, the only way that could happen is if I’ve been possessed by a demon. Or if I’ve somehow been sucked into WordPress and my only means of communication is through blog posts. Send help.
So I turned 17 two months ago, and it’s the most insignificant adolescent age to exist. I can’t even go to jail for committing arson or anything (not that I’m thinking of it). The only privileges I get is telling people I turned 17 which truly fills me with mirth.
Let’s not forget filling out college applications and finally realizing how your entire 17 years of existence amount to nearly nothing. My resume is looking pitifully blank, so here’s a list of talents that are not technically termed as talents by collegiate officials or literally anything with a heartbeat.
Disclaimer: Do not try this at home, I being a professional and hence qualified. I went all the way to Shanghai and enrolled in a 20 year course (yes, I’m aware I’m 17) in the School of Wasting-Your-Life and then underwent severe training in the Himalayas by a monk in the art of ‘You will never get a Job’. Beware.
1. I can rap Lafayette’s part in Guns and Ships from the Hamilton soundtrack. You impressed? I know. I’m impressive. Some peasants would not necessarily call it ‘rap’ though, more like talking really fast without flow.
2. I can finish 12 years worth of TV shows in a week (cause I have no life and nothing to do anyway)
3. I’ve made a few appearances in the leader board in Agar.io (admittedly with help). It’s a cutthroat world out there. Speaking of gaming, I can probably play Pokemon Sapphire blindfolded and am pretty decent in Tetris. The only pieces of my life that fit together are Tetris shapes.
4. I consider myself pretty good at staring contests. The key is to look but not see. You’re welcome.
5. I can probably recite every line in Mean Girls and Tangled. So fetch.
To any colleges admission person out there reading this. How you doin?